Family relationships

Telling your children you are separating: what to say and what to hold back

8 min read

Telling your children that you are separating is often the conversation parents dread most. You may worry about their tears, their questions, or getting the words wrong. It can help to know that how this is handled matters a great deal, and that most children do adjust well with steady, loving support.

Separation itself is not what harms children most

Many parents carry a heavy sense of guilt. The research points somewhere more hopeful. Coram Family Lives notes that one of the things which affects children most during a separation is conflict between parents, or problems around seeing the other parent (Coram Family Lives). YoungMinds puts it plainly: children usually have some difficult feelings, which is healthy and normal, and the longer term effect is often about the way it is handled (YoungMinds).

Gingerbread adds that adjusting can take months or even years, but with plenty of support, most children do come to terms with their parents' separation (Gingerbread).

So the aim is not a perfect conversation. It is a calm, honest one, followed by many smaller conversations over time.

Before you talk: plan together

Be sure of the decision. Telling children and then changing course can leave them confused and unsettled. Wait until you are certain (divorce.org.uk).

Tell them together if it is safe to do so. Hearing it from both parents shows children that nobody is abandoning them. If being in the same room is not possible, agree the same words in advance so they hear one consistent message.

Agree the basics first:

who is moving, and when
where each parent will live
what stays the same (school, friends, clubs, pets)
how often they will see each parent
how you will answer the questions you can't yet answer

Pick the moment carefully. Choose a calm time with no school or activity straight afterwards, so there is space to talk and be together. Avoid bedtime, birthdays, the start of term and exam weeks.

If there has been abuse, or you do not feel safe, your priority is safety. The free 24 hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline is on 0808 2000 247 (Gingerbread, practical steps).

What children need to hear, whatever their age

The NSPCC suggests reminding children that both parents love them, being honest in a way that suits their age, and explaining that it is OK to feel sad, confused or angry (NSPCC). In practice, there are four messages to return to again and again:

This is a grown-up decision. It is not because of anything you did or said.
We both love you, and that will never change.
Here is what will happen next, in simple, concrete terms.
You can ask us anything, today or any day.

What to say: ideas by age

### For children aged 8–11

Children this age think in concrete terms and often quietly wonder if they caused the split. Keep it short and practical, and describe the change from their point of view. Relate suggests examples such as "Daddy will still pick you up from school but won't be here to put you to bed" (Relate).

You might say:

> "Mum and Dad have decided not to live together any more. This is a grown-up decision, and it is not because of you. We both love you very much. You will still go to the same school and see your friends. On weekdays you'll be here, and at weekends you'll stay at Dad's new flat, which is ten minutes away."

Expect the same questions more than once. Repeating the answer patiently is part of how they feel safe.

### For young people aged 12–16

Teenagers will often pick up more than you think, and may already sense something is wrong. They need honesty, respect for their opinions, and reassurance that their own life (friends, clubs, exams) will be protected where possible.

You might say:

> "We want to be straight with you. We've decided to separate. It's been a hard decision and it's ours, not yours. We know you've got a lot going on, so we've tried to keep the things that matter to you the same. We'd really like to hear what you think, now or whenever you're ready."

Give them some say in practical details, but not responsibility for adult decisions. Asking a teenager to choose between parents puts them in an impossible position.

What to hold back

Children need to know what will happen, not every reason why. Relate advises avoiding details they don't need, such as information about affairs (Relate). Keep these out of the conversation:

blame, or who "wanted" the separation
money worries and legal disagreements
criticism of the other parent

The NSPCC notes that negative comments about an ex-partner can leave children feeling confused or resentful (NSPCC). Cafcass describes how children can feel caught in the middle, and encourages parents to acknowledge their own feelings and set them aside so they can truly listen (Cafcass).

How children might react

There is no right reaction. Your child may cry, go very quiet, get angry, ask practical questions straight away ("Where will the dog live?"), or seem not to care. Action for Children lists changes to watch for in the weeks after: acting out, becoming withdrawn, being very clingy, or getting upset by things that don't usually bother them (Action for Children).

Helpful responses:

Name the feeling. "It sounds like you're really angry about this. That makes sense."
Stay close. You don't need to fix it. Sitting with them is enough.
Be honest about what you don't know. "We haven't decided that yet. When we do, we'll tell you." Relate encourages this rather than guessing (Relate).
Don't make promises you can't keep, especially about getting back together.

The days and weeks after

The first talk is a beginning. Keep routines such as school, mealtimes and bedtimes as steady as you can, which the NSPCC highlights as a key way to support children (NSPCC). Check in gently, often in side-by-side moments like car journeys or walks, when talking feels less intense.

It can also help to let your child's school know, so teachers can understand changes in mood and offer support (Action for Children). And remember to look after yourself. Children cope best when the adults around them are supported too.

When to get more help

Seek extra support if your child's distress is very strong, lasts for many weeks, or is getting in the way of school, sleep or friendships. Your GP or school is a good first step.

UK support:

Gingerbread Single Parent Helpline: 0808 802 0925
Family Lives helpline: 0808 800 2222
NSPCC Helpline (worries about a child): 0808 800 5000
Childline (for children and young people): 0800 1111
National Domestic Abuse Helpline (24 hours): 0808 2000 247

How MySafeTherapy can help

After the first conversation, children often need gentle ways to keep processing what is happening. The Two houses activity lets 12–14 year olds explore family change at their own pace, and the kids' stories help younger children name their feelings and talk to a safe adult. The Grown-Up Guide has conversation starters for the weeks that follow.

You can try MySafeTherapy grow free.

If you or your child would like more support, MySafeTherapy also offers therapy for families. You can talk with a qualified, UK-registered therapist online, whether that is a parent consultation about what is happening at home, one-to-one support for your own stress or low mood, or family sessions. Find a therapist at MySafeTherapy.

Your own mental health matters too

Looking after a child who is struggling can affect your own wellbeing. If you have been feeling low, anxious or overwhelmed for more than a couple of weeks, talking therapy can help. In England you can refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies without seeing a GP, or speak to your GP anywhere in the UK. The YoungMinds Parents Helpline (0808 802 5544) offers free advice to parents worried about their child.

Sources

This article is general information, not medical advice. If you're worried about your child or yourself, speak to your GP, or call NHS 111. In an emergency call 999.