Family relationships

Living between two houses: practical ways to help children settle

8 min read

After a separation, many children start spending time in two homes. Seeing both parents is usually good for them, but moving back and forth brings its own challenges. Coram Family Lives notes that moving between homes can be disruptive, and that children may find it hard to feel at home in both places, or feel they are not at home in either (Coram Family Lives).

The good news is that small, practical steps make a real difference. This guide brings together UK advice on helping children feel settled, secure and loved in both homes.

Why two homes can feel hard

From a child's point of view, a lot changes at once: beds, rules, smells, journeys, even which friends live nearby. Children can feel a mix of emotions about contact, even when they have a good relationship with both parents, and this can happen at any age (Coram Family Lives).

Not knowing what comes next is often the hardest part. Children tell Cafcass that if they do not know when they will next see their other parent, they are likely to worry, especially when there are long gaps without explanation (Cafcass).

Make each home feel like theirs

Children settle more easily when they are not treated like visitors. Coram Family Lives suggests creating a space in each home that feels like theirs, with familiar belongings and favourite things (Coram Family Lives).

Ideas that help:

A space of their own. Even a shelf, a drawer or a corner of a shared room. Let them help choose a duvet cover or a poster.
Doubles of the basics. A toothbrush, pyjamas, a hairbrush and school shoes in both homes means less packing and fewer forgotten items.
One travelling comfort item. A teddy, a hoodie or a book that goes back and forth can act as a bridge between the two places.
Photos of the other parent, if your child would like them. It tells them both relationships are welcome.

Keep routines and rules close

Children do not need two identical homes, but big differences can be confusing and lead to playing one parent off against the other. Coram Family Lives advises that both parents agree consistent boundaries, as this gives children stability and routine (Coram Family Lives). The NSPCC also highlights keeping up routines such as school, mealtimes and bedtimes (NSPCC).

Try to agree on a few things that matter most, for example:

bedtime on school nights
screen time and phone rules
homework expectations
how you handle consequences

For everything else, it is fine to say, "At Dad's house it's different, and that's OK."

Make the plan visible

Predictability helps children feel safe. A clear schedule they can see reduces worry about when they are going where.

A shared calendar. A paper calendar on the fridge for younger children, with each home in a different colour. Older children may prefer a shared phone calendar.
Talk about the week ahead, for example on Sunday evenings.
Give notice of changes. Last-minute swaps are sometimes unavoidable, but explain them to your child yourself.

Cafcass suggests the arrangement should fit the child: younger children often suit "little but often", while older children can manage longer stretches (Cafcass). Its free online tool, Our Child's Plan, helps parents write down and agree arrangements together (Cafcass, Our Child's Plan).

Making handovers calmer

Handover days are where tension often shows. A few habits make them easier:

Keep handovers short and friendly. A quick, warm goodbye is easier than a long, emotional one.
Never use handovers to discuss disagreements. Save adult conversations for a call or message when your child is not around.
Consider neutral handovers. Collecting from school or a club can avoid doorstep moments altogether.
Pack together. Older children can use a simple checklist so they feel in control.
Be positive about the other home. "Have a lovely time with Mum. I'll see you on Wednesday" gives permission to enjoy it.

Coram Family Lives advises against asking children to carry messages between homes, take sides or hear criticism of the other parent (Coram Family Lives). Messages like "Tell your dad he's late with money" put children right in the middle.

The "coming back" wobble

Many parents notice their child is grumpy, tearful, clingy or withdrawn for a few hours or a day after returning. This is common. Switching homes means saying goodbye to one parent, adjusting to different rhythms and sometimes holding feelings they did not want to show elsewhere.

What helps:

a calm, low-demand first hour (a snack, a bath, a familiar programme)
not asking lots of questions straight away
a simple welcome-back ritual, like cooking a favourite tea together
naming feelings gently: "It can feel funny coming back, can't it?"

If the unsettled mood lasts for days, or your child seems very worried before each visit, listen carefully. Action for Children suggests watching for signs such as acting out, withdrawing or becoming very clingy (Action for Children).

Staying connected between visits

Regular contact between visits, such as calls, video chats or messages, can help your child feel secure (Coram Family Lives). Agree a rough rhythm that suits your child's age, for example a short video call before bed twice a week. Keep these calls about your child, not about adult arrangements.

Things look different by age

### Children aged 8–11

Children this age like clear rules and fairness. Visual calendars, checklists and doubles of everyday items work well. They may worry about the parent they are not with, so reassure them that it is fine to enjoy both homes.

### Young people aged 12–16

Teenagers' lives centre on friends, clubs, exams and part-time jobs. A rigid schedule can start to feel unfair. Cafcass encourages parents to take account of a child's wishes, hobbies and activities (Cafcass). Involve them in planning and be open to some flexibility, without asking them to choose between parents.

When to get more help

Speak to your GP, your child's school or a family support service if your child is very distressed about moving between homes, refuses contact for reasons you don't understand, or if you have any worries about their safety. If arrangements are hard to agree, family mediation can help.

UK support:

Coram Family Lives helpline: 0808 800 2222
Gingerbread Single Parent Helpline: 0808 802 0925
NSPCC Helpline (worries about a child): 0808 800 5000
Childline (for children and young people): 0800 1111
National Domestic Abuse Helpline (24 hours): 0808 2000 247

How MySafeTherapy can help

A shared activity can travel between homes when belongings don't. MySafeTherapy works on any device, so a child can carry on the same stories in both houses. The Two houses activity explores what moving between homes feels like for 12–14 year olds, and the Grown-Up Guide gives both parents the same conversation starters to use.

You can try MySafeTherapy grow free.

If you or your child would like more support, MySafeTherapy also offers therapy for families. You can talk with a qualified, UK-registered therapist online, whether that is a parent consultation about what is happening at home, one-to-one support for your own stress or low mood, or family sessions. Find a therapist at MySafeTherapy.

Your own mental health matters too

Looking after a child who is struggling can affect your own wellbeing. If you have been feeling low, anxious or overwhelmed for more than a couple of weeks, talking therapy can help. In England you can refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies without seeing a GP, or speak to your GP anywhere in the UK. The YoungMinds Parents Helpline (0808 802 5544) offers free advice to parents worried about their child.

Sources

This article is general information, not medical advice. If you're worried about your child or yourself, speak to your GP, or call NHS 111. In an emergency call 999.